MARKS DOOMED TO EXPANDED ROLE AT HITS

HITS is extremely proud to announce the appointment of Craig Marks to the post of executive editor. This is an incredibly fortuitous development for HITS, because Craig is an actual journalist and we are not. Hence, it is disastrous news for Craig.

The veteran scribe and author, formerly music editor at the prestigious Los Angeles Times and an erstwhile key player at SPIN, Blender and Billboard, now finds himself managing an idiot factory. He persists in the belief that this is some Kafkaesque nightmare from which he will eventually awaken. Perhaps it is.

In his new position, Craig will attempt to communicate fundamentals of the English language to the phalanx of gerbils who are currently responsible for magazine and website content tracking how many streams some kid from TikTok got. He will also endeavor to explain to the staff how to read a press release, a schedule and a calendar. We wish him luck.

As if all that weren’t misery enough, he’ll continue to produce interviews and other editorial content in his fruitless efforts to class up the joint with some well-wrought material. How long he will thusly soldier on before his spirit breaks is the subject of a vigorous office pool.

“Who is Craig Marks and why am I paying him?” asked HITS Editor in Chief Lenny Beer shortly before returning to his online search for Clippers-themed undergarments.

Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.