META-WORSE: HITS TO ROLL OUT NFT SERIES

Always last to jump on a trend, HITS is piloting its decrepit spaceship into the metaverse with an exclusive series of NFTs.

With prices starting at $1b apiece, these offerings will be the first-ever products capable of absconding with your digital wallet.

Although details are hazy, insiders believe these NFTs will enable users to digitally access such content as:

• 1989 trade photos of radio guys being dunked in a giant tank filled with baked beans
• a library of promotional cassingles
• dozens of columns about how the return of surf rock is sure to transform the marketplace

"I know a thing or two about NFTs, and I'll tell you this," proclaimed HITS Editor in Chief Lenny Beer shortly before he was asked to please take his clubs and leave. "They are non-fungible tokens. Without tokens, nobody could ride the subway. And as you know, I have dedicated my life to the fight against fungibility."

Hurry—these items are going fast! And once you find out how badly you've been ripped off, so are we.