HITS' GLICKMAN ATTAINS MEANINGLESS TITLE OF SVP

HITS COO Todd Hensley and President Karen Glauber have announced that Simon Glickman has been promoted to SVP.

The new title will bestow neither increased pay nor improved benefits, but it will enable Glickman to move 11 centimeters up on the HITS masthead and to introduce himself on the weekly Zoom as “his SVP-ness.”

As he did while laboring under the pathetically unassuming title of VP/Managing Editor, Glickman will continue to crank out scabrous rumors, slightly reworded press releases, wacky-kooky radio items, long-winded interviews, droll photo captions and other space-filling fodder for HITS’ various content cannons. This while brainstorming space-filling fodder for assorted special issues and extorting, er, soliciting advertisements for same. He will also ride herd on the company’s crack team of editorial gerbils.

Glickman, a San Fernando Valley native, earned a doctorate in literature from Oxford University, briefly filling the minds of his loved ones with the fantasy that he would have an actual (and dignified) career. These hopes were dashed when he began his tenure at HITS.

“Simon Glickman is an overeducated windbag with a mediocre record collection,” noted Glauber while attempting to reboot her son’s iPad. “As such, he is ideally qualified to continue doing whatever the hell it is he does for us.”

“I get to be quoted in press releases now,” added Hensley, whose promotion to the august title of COO was announced earlier this year. “Also, I would like another mai tai, please.”

“Who is Simon Glickman and why am I paying him?” asked HITS Editor in Chief Lenny Beer from an undisclosed location near the 11th hole. “Also, when will they make a 9 iron that doesn’t break when you slam it against a tree in despair?”

HITS Publisher Dennis Lavinthal was on vacation and unavailable for comment.