FLOM ROASTED… WHAT’S FOR DESSERT?

Actually, the biggest beneficiary of the Third Annual Roast at New York’s Tavern on the Green was the City of Hope, which raised more than $300k by putting Capitol Music Group chief Jason Flom on the hot seat.

RCA Music Group’s Richard Palmese introduced a CAA-produced short that was a parody of 60 Minutes with the real Steve Kroft interviewing an array of luminaries, including Doug Morris, Irving Azoff, Rob Light, Mitch Rose, Billy Crystal, Jewel, Kid Rock, Mark McGrath, Bill Clinton, Nebraska Senator Bob Kerry, Lee Trink and, silent except for being accompanied by the theme from Jaws, Lyor Cohen. Highlights included the segment, “Where would you fire Jason?”

Palmese then brought on MC Jeffrey Ross, the industry’s reigning roastmaster general, having presided over recent Comedy Central grillings of Donald Trump and Pamela Anderson.

Ross proceeded to call Jason a pothead who “from the looks of his signings, instead of a bong, should have been using a one-hitter," the "John Hammond of mediocrity" and "the ugliest thing to hit the music industry since illegal downloading," adding, "Flom is an old Hebrew name meaning, 'He who signed Matchbox Twenty.'"

Epic President Charlie Walk followed Ross to the stage, coining the word “Flomola,” which translates loosely into “all your success being bought and paid for.” He then did five minutes on Googling Jason, prompting Jeffrey to crack: “His speech was longer than Jason has been able to keep a job.”

Jill Sobule, originally signed by Jason to Lava, followed, singing a song on how she no longer cared about the music business. What, they couldn’t get Gilbert Gottfried?

Rapper Fat Joe gave the shortest roast in history, consisting of three jokes in 90 seconds, but also had the most imposing bodyguards. No one wanted to follow him, but HITS’ own resident goy Todd Hensley was chosen for the honors, filling in for one-eyed Lenny Beer, still recovering... No, not from his recent retinal surgery, but over the fact the Clippers dropped from sixth to seventh in the NBA draft lottery.

As Hensley left the stage, he almost knocked the podium into Flom and his family in the first row with his butt, earning his only laugh of the night.

Dee Snider was next, registering disbelief “someone as stoned as Jason could actually get a band called Twisted Sister with a front man who wore woman’s make-up signed to a major label.”

Palmese then presented the man of the hour, and Flom took the stage, saying he had two speeches in his hand. One for if he still had a job and one if he was fired, before asking the audience if they’d heard anything.

At that point, no one had.