A SMASH-MOUTH THREE-DAY WEAKEND PLANNER

IVANA'S POLL OF THE WEEK:
What better way to waste the remaining hour of your work week than by pondering a topic of no consequence to the world-at-large?

Today's Question:
"If you were going to attend the Golden Globe Awards this Monday, and could ask any fashion designer to create an outfit for you (gratis, of course), who would you choose?"

E-mail your response to [email protected]. The top choices will be in this space next week. Please specify if you DON'T want to be mentioned by name.

ROY’S RANT & ROLL
1. The Book of Daniel: NBC’s Friday-night attempt to go the HBO/Showtime quirky cable route, a kind of cross between Six Feet Under and Huff, with a healthy dose of credibility-straining Desperate Housewives soap opera parody. Producer Aidan Quinn stars as an Episcopalian minister (which means he’s Christian, but conflicted) whose brood includes a wife who guzzles martinis in the daytime, a gay son studying to be a doctor for cancer research, an adopted Chinese son sleeping with the daughter of one of his church’s higher-ups and a daughter who's dealing pot to buy computer animation software to create Japanese anime. The gimmick is a long-haired hippie Jesus in robes who appears every time the beleaguered priest decides to pop a Vicodin and issues such well-worn homilies like “Life is hard... That's why there's a reward at the end” and “You’re a good man.” The problem is the individual characters, played by such impressive old hands as Ellen Burstyn, Dylan Baker and Dan Hedaya, simply aren’t believable; instead, they play like a series of one-note caricatures, offering no grounding of reality for the dubious goings-on, which include embezzled church funds, the Mafia, lesbianism and widespread corruption. No wonder the Church is protesting. I would, too.

2. Morningwood, “Nth Degree” (Capitol): Fronted by slinky 23-year-old diva Chantal Claret and partner Pedro Yanowitz, who met at a birthday party for Sean Lennon in the Dakota, this highly touted NYC group with the great double-entendre name looks to follow in the footsteps of such fellow hip downtown alumni as The Strokes and Yeah Yeah Yeahs! with their Gil Norton-produced debut, which came out this week. This first single, whose hook consists of Claret spelling out the name of the band, has been getting some consistent airplay on XM’s alternative station Ethel (#47 on your satellite dial), where it sounds right at home in between Courtney Love’s “Celebrity Skin,” Radiohead’s “Knives Out” and The Arcade Fire’s “Neighborhood #3.”

3. Chuck Klosterman, Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs (Scribner): The new wunderkind of rock criticism is basically a hair-band geek from Fargo, ND. This onetime sportswriter and film critic for the Akron Beacon Journal has reinvented himself as a cross between language philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein and low-key solipsist Steve Wright, with his turf expanded from Spin to such mainstream outlets as Esquire, GQ and ESPN.com. This is his second book of essays, sandwiched between his memoir of growing up as a headbanger in the middle of nowhere, Fargo Rock City, and his recent Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story, a diary of his attempt to visit a number of rock & roller death sites around the U.S.A., interspersed with musings about his love life, like Ross McElwee’s documentary Sherman’s March. And while the topics in this collection—John Cusack in Say Anything, Saved by the Bell, Real World, Star Wars, Bird vs. Magic, the Tommy Lee/Pamela Anderson sex tapes, The Sims videogame, breakfast cereals and serial killers—are pretty Gen X-oriented, Klosterman brings a philosopher’s sense of logic, an ironist’s absurdity and deft wordplay to his rigorous pop culture analysis.

4. 11:14: My wife picked this 2003 film from the video store shelves after reading on the box that it was a “combination of Crash and Memento.” Unfortunately, it has neither the political acumen of the former nor the formal brilliance of the latter, but it runs less than 90 minutes, so it’s never boring. The first feature from 27-year-old Greg Marcks, the movie was the product of Jeff Kwatinetz’s short-lived indie film imprint at The Firm, and if it had a theatrical release, I don’t recall it. Hilary Swank, who co-executive produced with Kwatinetz, has a bit part as a braces-clad convenience store clerk, attracting a pretty impressive cast that includes Henry Thomas, Patrick Swayze, Barbara Hershey and a very salacious Rachael Leigh Cook as the noirish town slut. The title refers to the exact time of a car crash that changes everyone’s lives in a small town, while the movie continually goes back to that moment to reconstruct the events, Rashomon-style, which are going on simultaneously. There is an attempt at Pulp Fiction-style black humor with a severed penis, a man whose skull is crushed during sex and a missing bowling bowl, and it’s fun to put the pieces together, but the final completed puzzle is instantly forgettable.

5. Los Lobos, Kiko (Slash/WB): This Mitchell Froom-produced 1992 release sounded positively foreign when it first came out, but East L.A.’s finest have resurrected it by playing the album in its entirety during recent engagements. A twisted, bluesy CD, the disc starts with the wistful “Dream in Blue,” only to segue into the fertile delta turf of avant-roots songs like “Wake Up Dolores” and “Kiko and the Lavender Moon.” Listening today, it completely anticipates such current melting pot experiments as Beck’s multi-culti Guero and Ry Cooder’s densely layered Chavez Ravine, offering further proof these Hispanic pioneer rockers deserve a place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

6. NFL Playoffs: The real men step up this week, as Wild Card weekend gives way to divisional playoffs. The showcase game of the week has to be New England at Denver, and while I respect the Broncos’ relentless running game and their hard-nosed defense, I’m not betting on the erratic Jake Plummer against Tom Brady, who has yet to lose a playoff game in 10 starts. In the other AFC match-up, you gotta go with Peyton Manning’s Indianapolis Colts in the dome against the tough-ass Steelers, who won’t have swirling winds and snow to help their Jerome Bettis-led rushing attack, but it will be interesting to see if Big Ben Roethlisberger can outduel the Golden Arm. In the other league, the NFC, it’s hard to see the offensively challenged Redskins and Bears beating back their competition, powerful Seattle and peaking-at-the-right-time Carolina, respectively. But then, defense does win championships, and Washington and Chicago have the two best ones left, so you can never count ‘em out. But QBs Mark Brunell and Rex Grossman don’t exactly inspire confidence.

CALENDAR
Friday, Jan. 13th
7:00pm
Pennywise w/ Suicide Machines, No Use for a Name and Love Equals Death @ Fonda

7:30pm
Slightly Stoopid w/ John Brown's Body @ House of Blues on Sunset

9:00pm
Frank Hannon Band @ 115 Bourbon St., Chicago

Sound Tribe Sector 9 @ The Fillmore, San Francisco

Saturday, Jan. 14th
1:30pm
Redskins vs. Seahawks on Fox: It has been an impressive run for Washington, but my prediction is that their little miracle season will come to an abrupt end as Seattle absolutely crushes the over-achieving Skins.

5:00pm
Patriots vs. Broncos on CBS: OK, this has the makings of a great game that I think Denver can win. But here are two very interesting stats that you should pay attention to: First, when Pats Coach Bill Belichick sees a quarterback for a second time in a season, he’s 15-0. Second, New England QB Tom Brady is 21-1 when the weather is below 40 degrees.

7:00pm
Story of the Year w/ Every Time I Die @ The Backroom, Austin

8:00pm
O.A.R w/ Matisyahu @ Madison Square Garden

10:00pm
Atomic @ The Viper Room

Sunday, Jan. 15th
10:00am
Steelers vs. Colts on CBS: Although the Colts haven’t really played a meaningful game in nearly a month, I think they’ll win this game, and probably rather convincingly. They are just too good, especially at home.

1:30pm
Panthers vs. Bears on Fox: This is my favorite game of the weekend because it features two stellar defenses that will both be looking to play smash-mouth football. I think this will be a low-scoring game in which the Bears, if QB Rex Grossman does nothing stupid, will win.

8:00pm
24 on Fox: Jack Bauer will once again attempt to save the world from some extremely bad guys, as the new season of the addictive show kicks off with a four-hour premiere spread over Sunday and Monday nights.

House of Blues Anaheim 5th Anniversary: Featuring Bowling for Soup w/ Melee and Jparis

Monday, Jan. 16th—Martin Luther King Jr. Day

10:30am
Kingdom Day Parade @ Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard and Western Avenue in Los Angeles.

8:00pm

24 on Fox

Golden Globes on NBC

JE-C’S NEW-MOVIE RUNDOWN
Glory Road
Starring: Josh Lucas, Derek Luke, Austin Nichols, and Jon Voight
Synopsis: This basketball drama is based on the true story of college coach Don Haskins, who led his Texas Western team, which featured five African-American starters, to victory over an all-white Kentucky squad in the 1966 NCAA championship, making them the first such team to clinch the title.
Thoughts: I really liked Remember the Titans and I am hoping this movie is as good, and my feeling is that it will be. I know parts of the story but not the whole thing so I'm definitely interested in seeing it just to learn more about it.

Hoodwinked
Starring: Anne Hathaway, Glenn Close, Jim Belushi, Patrick Warburton, and Anthony Anderson
Synopsis: It's Little Red Riding Hood in reverse: Chief Grizzly (Xzibit) and Detective Bill Stork (Anderson) investigate a break-in at Granny's (Close) house. The prime suspect: Red (Hathaway) herself!
Thoughts: This movie has been on my must-see list since I saw the trailer about a couple months ago. This is one of my sleeper picks for the new year I think this movie will be hilarious and I plan to see it this weekend!!

JE-C’S ALBUMS TO CHECK OUT
For R&B it has to be Chris Brown. For rap it’s Young Jeezy. I wasn’t a believer until I finally got hold of the Young Jeezy CD and listened to it. Trust me—it’s a banger.