IT TAKES TWO TO TRAKIN

After 18 years, Roy “Boychick” Trakin, HITS’ prototypical loser, has finally talked his way into a real job. He’s in his second week doing “special projects” (whatever that means) for Allen Kovac's 10^th Street management company, where Nikki Sixx is already giving Roy hair restoration tips.

Shecky’s departure leaves a sizable vacuum at the cesspool (which is badly in need of vacuuming, come to think of it)—so sizable, in fact, that it will take not one but two Senior Editors to even attempt to fill it, the incumbent Jon O’Hara, who has reluctantly agreed to expand his duties, and Bud Scoppa, who just as reluctantly returns after his unceremonious departure in mid-2003. It’s his third tour of duty. “This is a living nightmare,” Scoppa explains. “Urp,” adds O’Hara. “Me editurr purdy werdz, pikchurz make maggazene. Yay.”

Commented Editor in Chief Lenny Beer, “Who are these idiots and why am I paying them?” Calls to Publisher Dennis Lavinthal weren’t immediately returned.