THIS WEAKEND PLANNER IS KINDA ROUND AND KINDA EGG-SHAPED

As we put the finishing touches on this weekly waste of virtual space, the second round of the NCAA Tournament—a.k.a. the Sweet 16—is about to swing into action. So we’re racing against time, hoping to catch some of the first game, which pits our fave team, the #1-seeded Washington Huskies, against the #4-seeded Louisville Cardinals (tipoff: 4:10 p.m.). Worst-case scenario, we’ll still be able to watch the second game in CBS’ West Coast feed, in which another Pac 10 squad, #3-seeded Arizona, goes against #2-seeded Oklahoma State (tipoff: 7 p.m.). CBS will switch over to the other two games, Illinois vs. Cinderella team Wisconsin-Milwaukee and Texas Tech vs. West Virginia, here and there, including any close finishes. Better yet, we’re looking at a three-day weekend, because the powers that be have chosen to take Good Friday off, and that means the few remaining peons don’t have to drag their sorry tuchuses into the cesspool, either. Although there’s no way of knowing, we suspect that the big shots’ motives have more to do with going to some pricey desert resort and playing golf than they do with making up for killing Jesus. Whatever, we’ll take it.

CALENDAR
Thursday (March 24)
9:30 p.m.
The Office (NBC): USA! USA! Yeah, baby! We’ve got our version of the hit British show, which BETTER be hysterical. We hear it’s solid, and we’ll be watching.

10:30 p.m.
Starfuckers: Oh my! Featuring Gilby Clarke (ex-GNR), Dizzy Reed (GNR) & Eric Dover (Alice Cooper, ex-Imperial Drag), plus Judge Jackson. @ the Cat Club (8911 Sunset Blvd.)

Friday (March 25)
11:00 a.m.
New York International Auto Show at Jacob Javits Convention Center: Housed on nearly one million square feet within four floors of jacked-up Javits, more than 43 major manufacturers worldwide—from Ford and Dodge to Suzuki and Saab—show off current and upcoming models of cars, trucks, minivans and SUVs. Wow, we wish we were in N.Y. (Je-c left out the part about those girls who work the car show. They’re usually wonderfully cheesy, Boca Raton-style hot... and we’re fairly certain that they can be bought. Enjoy.)

11:00 a.m.-7:00 p.m.
Mick Rock Live in L.A.: Hey rockers, go see this legendary rock photographer’s first full-scale exhibit. Warning, it’s at a way cool tee-shirt boutique, Lo-Fi, so you’ll probably end up buying the perfect $400 Bowie tee. Exhibit continues Sat. 11-7 & Sun. 12-5 (1038 N. Fairfax Ave., 323-654-5634).

4:00 p.m
Sweet Sixteen, Second Night (CBS): The remaining eight teams battle it out on their quest to make it to the Elite 8. Check local listings to see what games are on in your area.
4:10 p.m.
Duke vs. Michigan State
4:30 p.m.
N.C. State vs. Wisconsin
6:40 p.m.
Utah vs. Kentucky: If you haven’t seen Aussie big man Andrew Bogut of Utah play yet, you’ve gotta check him out. Bogut is a good bet to go first in the NBA Draft.
7:00 p.m.
Villanova vs. North Carolina

6:00 p.m.
The Morning-After Bag. You gotta purchase one of Rebecca Minkoff’s new accessories before you go out and hook up this weekend. A girl could stash all of her possibly last-minute overnight needs into this baby, yet it’s small enough for daily use, too. In conclusion, just because you’re a whore doesn’t mean you have to look like one. Available @ Satine in LA or www.satineboutique.com.

8:00 p.m.
Kaiser Chiefs @ the Bowery Ballroom, NY. Anyone predict a riot?

10:00 p.m.
The Capitol Years @ El Cid. Way-cool young band outta Philly. The best show you don't know about this weekend.

10:00 p.m.
Cake Presents Serve...and Be Served. OK, I always get these invites from the folks at Club Cake who host monthly parties in N.Y. & London. They like to come off very sex club, but I’m fairly certain they’re run from some five-towns kids I went to BU with. Enough said. Their rules: All women are invited. Men invited at Cake’s discretion or accompanied by a member or a group of women. @ Salon (505 West St., corner of Jane, N.Y.). For details: www.CAKEnyc.com

Saturday (March 26)
10:00 a.m.
Concierge3: Overwhelmed with the chaos that is your life? Feel like you might dig hiring a personal assistant, even just for a few hours? And for a good price? Check out these guys—it’s concierge “cubed.” For info: 323-468-9395 or www.concierge3.com.

NCAA tournament continues. (Translation for the ladies: You will be continue to be ignored by your boyfriend/husband, so go spend his money in a mall or bar.). We’re now down to eight teams and four games. The Final Four will be determined by the end of the weekend.

8:00 p.m.
Koi: Super-trendy L.A. sushi haunt has opened in N.Y. Get there fast & we’re sure you’ll bump into someone from The OC or Paris Hilton, who happens to be in N.Y. It’s on the ground floor of the Bryant Park Hotel, all kinds of fashion week situation (40 W. 40^th St., 212-921-3330)

8:00 p.m.
Un-cabaret: If you have yet to hit one of these weekly comedy shows, go already! They get big comics telling great stories. This week: Kevin Nealon, Paul F. Tompkins, Taylor Negron & Beth Lapides. @ M Bar (1253 N. vine @ Fountain). You can eat dinner there, too. Tickets: $10. For info: 323-993-3305.

8:30 p.m.
Comedy Show in Huntington Beach: I’m very on top of things and appropriately cannot remember the name of the club where I’ll be performing. But if you’re in the surfer-heavy area of Huntington Beach & crave the funny, email me for details: [email protected].

9:15 p.m.
The Bravery at the Troubadour. If you haven’t seen them yet, we understand, it was an honest mistake.

Easter Sunday
10:00 a.m.
Rise and shine for a good ol’ Easter egg hunt.

2:30 p.m.
Haute Dog Easter Parade in Long Beach: Snap that designer leather lead on Fido's diamante-studded collar, make sure his fez is at the proper jaunty angle and fall in line with the other marchers at this parade for pups. (Note from Jill: Is it just me, or does this sound like a big gay dog parade? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

3:00 p.m.
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, 135th Edition, at Madison Square Garden: This sounds like a perfect thing to take the kids to on Easter Sunday. (Note from Jill: Or the worst place ever if you’re having rolling anxiety attacks.)

5:00 p.m.
http://www.militaryfreezone.org/opt_out: Did you know that public high schools release names, phone #s & addresses to military recruiters—so the recruiters can contact and pressure kids to join up. This site provides information on how you can contact your child’s school principal to tell him/her to NOT give out your kid’s info.

10:30 p.m.
The Bravery at the Troubadour. If you missed them on Saturday don’t miss them again—that would be one mistake too many!!!

Monday (March 28)
8:00 p.m.
The Sonus Quartet @ Molly Malones (www.sonusquartet.com)

8:00 p.m.
Comedy at Sphinx Café: With Jill etc. (13718 Ventura Blvd., Studio City).

THEY JUST WOULDN’T DIE
Mötley Crüe at the Fabulous Forum: "They just wouldn't die." That’s what Nikki Sixx said from the stage at Wed. night’s Mötley Crüe reunion tour stop, which took place, fittingly, at the hallowed arena on Manchester Ave. He was imagining the headlines to follow the next day, and he pretty much got it right: Their two-act, one-ring big-top show kept the capacity crowd alternately banging their heads and flicking their Bics, which in itself was cause enough to hoot, holler and throw goat, but the show was goooood. They played the old shit, they played the middle shit, they played the new shit—including the two new tracks from the band’s recent Red, White & Crüe compilation, and nobody even bummed. In fact, we ate those up, too. “The first fucking time we played the motherfucking Forum was 20 fucking years ago,” shouted Vince Neil early on. Despite the decades, the Crüe’s still got it, and boy were they pumped to celebrate their homecoming—especially when they got around to playing “Home Sweet Home.” Throughout the night, Mick Mars’ guitar work was good and noisy, with occasional bursts of brilliance (though he understandably restricted his movement due to debilitating bone disease). Sixx couldn’t keep from grinning most of the night from looking at all those adoring faces. And Neil gave his high-pitched, nasal wail his all. But Tommy Lee—sex-tape celebrity, big-kid-with-an-arena-rock-show, ass-kicking, stick-twirling metal drummer all rolled into one—stole the show. Whether going to work behind the kit and digging in like no one else (because he WILL rock you, or die trying), or swinging Tarzan-like between two suspended percussion platforms during his solo, or wielding the “Titty Cam”—which projected the willingly exposed chests of female fans—Lee’s unbridled enthusiasm was contagious, and served to remind us why the Big Rock Show of today or 20 years ago came about in the first place. “We fucking love you motherfuckers,” Lee shouted several times during the show, between the circus acts, mindblowing pyro displays and ear-splitting cannon blasts. Ah yes... the bad-boy posing may be gone, but the rock lives on. —Jon O’Hara

JE-C’S NEW MOVIE RUNDOWN
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Regina King, Enrique Murciano Jr., Diedrich Bader, Ernie Hudson
Synopsis: In this follow-up to 2000's Miss Congeniality, Sandra Bullock plays FBI agent Gracie Hart. Since thwarting a threat against a contestant in the Miss United States pageant, Gracie has done the talk show circuit and written a book, becoming the FBI's public-relations mascot. But when her friends are kidnapped, Gracie and her new partner, Sam, go back undercover to save them.

Thoughts: You know, I saw snippets of the first movie, and I can’t figure out why they made a second one. Nonetheless, I’m sure it will do good business at the box office—but I’m not about to recommend it.

Guess Who
Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Bernie Mac, Zoe Saldana, Judith Scott, Sherri Shepherd, Jessica Cauffiel
Synopsis: A remake of the 1967 Sidney Poitier-Katharine Hepburn drama, this comedy follows a young man named Simon as he meets his fiancée's father, Percy for the first time. Percy is nonplussed when he sees that his daughter is going to marry a white guy.
Thoughts: Ah, yeah. Anyone who knows me knows I’m all over this movie. I’m a big fan of Ashton and Bernie, and the coming attractions look hilarious. I have a feeling this movie could be huge.