HERE’S A WEAKEND PLANNER TAILORMADE FOR METROSEXUALS

There are a couple of monumental experiences available this weekend if you have a hankering for quality. The first is the NBA Finals, pitting the two best teams in basketball, the San Antonio Spurs and the Detroit Pistons. L.A. Times NBA columnist Mark Heisler, one of the very best basketball writers in the business, predicts "an old-fashioned, rock-ribbed series." Yup, while Lakers fans are waiting for Phil to make up his mind (actually, we’re hearing that he’s already done so, which will make those fans and Jeannie Buss extremely happy), some high-level hoops will be played during the course of what promises to be a feast for purists—although you could quibble that Game 1 was the NBA equivalent of a 9-7 battle between, say, the Carolina Panthers and the Baltimore Ravens. Speaking of feasts, have you actually heard the entirety of Coldplay’s X&Y yet? If not, scam a copy for the weekend and find out for yourself whether this record is “hokum,” as N.Y. Times pundit Jon Pareles has concluded, or high art. The answer seems utterly clear to these ears—yet another indication that you can’t believe everything you read, least of all if you see it on this sorry site or the related biweekly pamphlet.

CALENDAR
Friday, June 10
10:00 a.m.
The BFD Festival hosted by Live 105: If you happen to be in the Bay Area, check out this radio festival with some awesome bands such as Dredg, The Bravery, Foo Fighters, Kasabian, Jimmy Eat World, Social Distortion, Rise Against, Hot Hot Heat and Tegan and Sara.

4:00 p.m.
Erotica L.A.: It’s the ninth year for this ever-expanding show taking over the L.A. Convention Center. Shit, I’m running out of room in my bedroom for all the stuff I buy there every year. There are hundreds of vendors, seminars (oh my), live fashion/dance shows (bring your bills), art exhibits (so that’s what they’re calling it these days) & marketplaces. The three marketplaces are: Romantic, Gay and X. Who’s horny? This baby runs all weekend. And by this baby, I mean my vagina. What?! Open till 11 p.m. @ the LA Convention Center (1201 S. Figueroa St., www.erotica-la.com)

6:00 p.m.
Corey Feldman’s in a play! I know, I know…genius. Fatal Attraction: A Greek Tragedy doesn’t open til June 30, but boy do we suggest getting your tix early. This new comedy claims to “lovingly, liberally & loosely parody” the movie. I’m so going to N.Y. for this one. @ The Theatre That Will Not Be IgnoredEast 13th Street Theatre (136 E. 13thSt. btwn 3rd/4th Sts., www.FatalAttractionThePlay.com; call 212-279-4200 and mention code FATM for a discount)

7:00 p.m.
Pomodoro for dinner, then head over to the movies to check out Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Were they sleeping together then? Are they sleeping together now? Do any of us have lives of our own?

8:00 p.m.
Marc Broussard, Josh Kelley and David Ryan Harris @ House of Blues on the exciting Sunset Strip. Doors at 7 p.m. (8430 Sunset Blvd., WeHo).

Saturday, June 11
10:00 a.m.
It’s Summertime!!! So go have fun at Disneyland and California Adventures and be sure to say hi to Je-c if you see him. (note to Je-c: Although it seems like summertime, that shit don’t roll around til June 21. But we guess every day is like summer when you’ve got a new girlfriend. We’re bitter and flying solo. Fuck summer.)

11:00 a.m.
Erotica L.A.: Runs til 11 p.m. today.

12:00 p.m.-6:00 p.m.
Big Apple Barbecue Block Party: Stroll on down to Madison Square Park for this two-day festival of food, brew and tunes. (E. 26th Street, NY)

1:00 p.m.
Colorado Wine Company: New wine shop in Eagle Rock that holds tastings five times a week and serves wine by the glass. Now THAT’s a wine shop. Sometimes they have theme nights like Sunday Bubbly Sunday or Rose-Colored Glasses. @ 2114 Colorado Blvd. (btwn Caspar/Maywood Aves., Eagle Rock, www.cowineco.com, 478-1985)

2:00 p.m.
Playboy Jazz Festival: This two day fest runs til 11 p.m. (tomorrow too) @ the Hollywood Bowl. So smoke one and head over. Wanna check out all the bitchin’ headliners? We’re too stoned to research this for you, go to the site. Shit, I can’t even find the URL.(323-850-200)

8:00 p.m.
BLT Prime: The kids are diggin’ this restaurant. So, follow those hep cats to this Park Ave. So. Haunt & grab some chow. @ 111 E. 22^nd St. (btwn Park/Lex Aves., 212-995-8500)

Un-Cabaret: Go see the show LA Weekly calls “consistently brilliant, super-now comedy!” This weeks line up: Beth Lapides, Tim Bagley, Paul F. Tompkins & Greg Fitzsimmons. @ M Bar (1253 N. Vine @ Fountain). For Reservations/dinner: (323) 993-3305

9:10 p.m.
Deborah Harry plays Pride: She’s on the Main Stage. Check the official site to find Tiffany and Deborah Gibson’s times Sunday. We shit you not. www.lapride.org

11:00 p.m.
Club Boogie in Anaheim: This place is crazy yo, with people wall-to-wall dancing having a good ol time. If dancing close to sweaty people is your thing, then boogie on down to Club Boogie. We apologize for the amount of Boogies in this blurb.

Sunday, June 12
11:00 a.m.
Erotica LA: Runs til 6:00 p.m. today

11:30 a.m.
The 25^th Annual Picnic des Chefs: We don’t speak the French, but we hear this afternoon is filled with French cuisine (‘cause we’re perceptive like that) and even better, a moonbounce! @ Crystal Springs Picnic Area (also a great place to score your meth), Griffith Park (4730 Crystal Springs Dr., Los Feliz)

12:00 p.m.
Pride Parade time: They made it look so fun on The L Word. And none other than the incredibly press-shy Paris Hilton is this year’s Grand Marshal (her mom Kathy is whoring in on the gig, too). Also on the bill, celeb grand marshals Rose McGowan & Dana Delaney. Parade runs on Santa Monica Blvd. in WeHo btwn C’Heights & Robertson. WeHo is kind enough to lift all permit pkg for the day. I’m guessing plenty o’ folks in WeHo will be lifting their shirts & lowering their pants as a big thank you. You know, these are the kinds who swing from chandeliers. (www.lapride.org)

2:00 p.m.
Playboy Jazz Festival

6:00 p.m.
Game 2: Detroit vs. San Antonio on ABC in High Definition: Random note: Actors fear High-Def like the devil, I guess not so much of a problem for the athletes.

9:00 p.m.
Entourage (HBO): Yeah, yeah we know—we reminded you of the season’s premiere last week. We don’t care. The premiere was solid, so we’re continuing the shout out. Hey E, I’ll buy you a new car if you get Vince to call me.

9:30 p.m.
The Comeback (HBO): Hey HBO, where’s our swag? We are pluggin’ the shit outta your programming. Same goes w/the back-to-back plug for this new show focusing on Lisa Kudrow’s character’s return or attempted return to television. It’s a comedy-drama hybrid (their words) and it’s good, if occasionally depressing. But we’ve got Xanax (which we snagged from Macauley Culkin), so we just ride it out.

JE-C’S NEW MOVIE RUNDOWN
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Starring: Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Vince Vaughn, Adam Brody, Angela Bassett and Keith David
Synopsis: John and Jane Smith lead boring suburban lives, and their marriage has grown routine. But John has a secret, and so does Jane: They're two of the world's most sought-after assassins. The truth comes out only when they're hired to kill each other by competing organizations.
Thoughts: I am a huge fan of Doug Liman, and I am hoping he doesn’t let me down. My concern is that Angelina Jolie hasn’t made a good movie in a long time, and so there is a chance this could be another stinker. However, I will be there opening night because I really want to see it. Plus, my girlfriend wants to see it too—got to take advantage of that.

The Honeymooners
Starring: Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Epps, Gabrielle Union, Regina Hall, Eric Stoltz and John Leguizamo
Synopsis: New York bus driver Ralph Kramden and his pal Ed Norton keep hunting for get-rich-quick schemes that will help them get rich, and quick. Luckily, their wives, Alice and Trixie, are there to keep them grounded and bring in some dough by waiting tables at a local diner.
Thoughts: I haven’t seen many trailers for the film, but the cast is great and this is probably going to be one of the sleeper movies of the year. I think this new spin on the famous TV show will work and be very funny.

The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D
Starring: George Lopez, Taylor Dooley, Taylor Lautner, Cayden Boyd, David Arquette and Kristin Davis
Synopsis: Ten-year-old Max invents two imaginary superheroes with whom he plans great adventures. Miraculously, they really come to life. Soon he's blasting off to Planet Drool with Shark Boy, a kid raised by sharks, and Lava Girl, a cutie who emits flames. They take him on the Train of Thought, bound for the yummy land of Milk and Cookies. But when Mr. Electric and his sidekick Minus try to do away with their dreams, the trio must fight back to save Max's imagination.
Thoughts: Ok so here is the deal on this movie. Robert Rodriguez, who always makes cool movies, directs it, but I was never a big fan of the Spy Kids movies. I think this could be one of those big movies because, from the looks of it, kids will love it. I just don’t think it’s sophisticated enough for adults, but if you have kids or are a kid, or want to be a kid, then this is a movie for you.

Howl’s Moving Castle
Starring: Lauren Bacall, Christian Bale, Billy Crystal, Blythe Danner, Emily Mortimer and Jean Simmons
Synopsis: From the maker of the Academy Awardwinning anime film Spirited Away comes this surreal tale of Sophie, a young girl who's transformed into an old woman by the evil Witch of the Waste. She seeks the counsel of Howl, a wizard who travels in a strange flying machine.
Thoughts: I loved Spirited Away, and as soon as I saw the previews for this movie I wanted to see it. I just think Hayao Miyazaki is so brilliant and so creative that this will follow in that tradition. Plus, it’s got a great cast of actors lending their vocal talents. I highly recommend this one, although it’s in only in limited release.